matthew
Active Scout Officer
ACQM
Posts: 171
|
Post by matthew on Jun 25, 2008 17:26:30 GMT 5
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said. "Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well sh*t, g*dd**n, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."
|
|
matthew
Active Scout Officer
ACQM
Posts: 171
|
Post by matthew on Jun 25, 2008 17:49:06 GMT 5
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look short!"
|
|
matthew
Active Scout Officer
ACQM
Posts: 171
|
Post by matthew on Jun 25, 2008 17:49:45 GMT 5
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "my picture?" He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaimes, "oh, oh, my, let me get a picture." He beams and asks, "why?" She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!"
|
|
matthew
Active Scout Officer
ACQM
Posts: 171
|
Post by matthew on Jun 25, 2008 18:23:30 GMT 5
Should u hav any questions during the exams , raise your hand. That should provide enough blood flow to your brain.
|
|
matthew
Active Scout Officer
ACQM
Posts: 171
|
Post by matthew on Jun 25, 2008 18:34:07 GMT 5
US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early? 6. Where is Bobby?
|
|
matthew
Active Scout Officer
ACQM
Posts: 171
|
Post by matthew on Jun 25, 2008 18:48:43 GMT 5
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. " The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?" "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
|
|
|
Post by 666 Black Panther on Jun 26, 2008 22:03:52 GMT 5
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
|
|
|
Post by 666 Black Panther on Jun 26, 2008 22:04:51 GMT 5
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
|
|
|
Post by 666 Black Panther on Jun 26, 2008 22:06:03 GMT 5
Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life. A: Third grade.
|
|
|
Post by 666 Black Panther on Jun 26, 2008 22:07:50 GMT 5
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
|
|
sillyboi
Active Scout Officer
QM
Posts: 101
|
Post by sillyboi on Jun 27, 2008 20:36:44 GMT 5
Why do golfers always wear two pairs of pants?
To get a hole in one
|
|
|
Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 14:10:35 GMT 5
Chapter One >=========== > One day, noodle quarrel with meat bao(bun). They had a fight but bao was too clumsy and lost badly. He was very angry and he told noodle to stay behind if he has the guts and he'll get his pals to assist him. Meat bao went to find bread, man tou, jian bao etc to get them to reinforce him. Along the way, they saw maggi mee. They ah bish ah bish ah bish and beat maggi mee up and maggi mee beri puzzled why he kena beaten up. He said, 'Why u all beat me? What have I done to deserve this?' The meat bao said, 'Noodle! Dun think u perm your hair then cannot recognise u!'
Chapter Two >=========== > Maggi mee, who was beaten up for no reason, was very angry. So he went to find bee hoon, udon, fried noodles etc to seek revenge... But on the way, they met small bao. Maggi mee looked at small bao for a while then told his brothers, 'Bra-der! Whack him!' Maggi mee whack small bao harder & harder. After the nood les family has left, they asked Maggi Mee why he hated small bao so much and beat him up so badly. Maggi mee said... 'At first wanna teach him a small lesson only, but then see him act cute, made me so angry.'
Chapter Three >============= > The more small bao thought of it, the more buay song he was. So, he found the bao family to whack Maggi mee. Then they found ying shi juan (noodles covered with bun). They brought him back as hostage and were about to put him on the stove to force him to talk when the bao head said, 'That's not noodles! That's our undercover!'
Chapter Four >============ >The family of bao and noodles are now enemies and they have gang fights whenever they see each other. One day, the noodles family was having a walk when they saw char siew bao alone. Seeing the good chance, all of them attacked him. The noodles family shouted, 'Beat him hard hard! Don't give chance just because he's vomiting blood !'
Chapter Five >=========== > Poor char siew bao, with his injuries, went to the baoheadquarters to look for help. All the bao family was activated and together with red bean bao,green bean bun etc. they went to seek revenge. All the passerbys siam them as they look like they will kill. They saw french fries jalan jalan along, shopping. The bao family attacked him. The bao head shouted, 'Noodle people still wear gold go shopping! Whack him!!!'
Chapter Six >========== > Finally, the bao family manage to kidnap noodle, the one who started up the whole show, and brought him back to the bao headquarter. All the baos took turns to whack him. At the end, the chief of baos - dua bah bao took a final roll over noodle before they dump him. When the poor noodle finally went home, none of the family member could recognise him bcoz he is totally disfigured - flatten. In order not to let the family bear the bad name, he appears as a new member named Mee pok.
|
|
|
Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 14:16:15 GMT 5
Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names:
Anne Chang (Mandarin)-Dirty
Anne Chin (Mandarin) - Keep quiet
Faye Chen (Mandarin) - Dusty
Carl Cheng (Hokkien) - Buttock
Monica Cheng (Hokkien) - Touching your buttocks
Lucy Leow (Hokkien) - You are dead
Jane Tan (Mandarin) - Frying eggs
Suzie Leow (Hokkien) - Lost till death
Henry Mah (Mandarin) - Hate your mum
Corrine Tai (Hokkien) - Poor fellow
Paul Chan (Mandarin) - Bankrupt
Nelson Tan (Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs
Leslie Tong (Mandarin) - Rubbish bin
Carmen Teng (Hokkien) - Leg hair long
Connie Mah (Cantonese) - Call your mother
Danny See (Hokkien) - Squeeze you to death
Rosie Teng (Hokkien) - Screws and nails
Pete Tsai (Hokkien) - Nose droppings
Macy Koh (Cantonese) - Never die before
|
|
|
Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 14:17:35 GMT 5
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh*tt'in me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you sh*tt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
|
|
|
Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 14:20:21 GMT 5
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to diseases.
______________________________
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire LONG before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
|
|