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Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 14:24:16 GMT 5
I knew a gurl that was so stupid that.......
- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." - she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. - she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. - she tried to drown a fish.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund. - she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. - she tripped over a cordless phone. - she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. - she studied for a blood test. - she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. - when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. - when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
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Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 14:26:24 GMT 5
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room only if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW,WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist...
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving care.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes and he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
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Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 14:36:09 GMT 5
Lee Sum Wan : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Sori : Yes, you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Mr Sori : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, then it isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : I'm Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before, I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful, my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh I'm so scared (sarcastically). Look I dont care about your uncle, he's a nobody. Everybody thinks he's a top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.
Mr Sori : Like I said, I dont care which one of your aunt screws everybody and I also know that not everybody works there! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!
Mr. Sori : I don't know which one is your sis! Why in gods name u think I do!? Look I got work to do and if I'm feeling mischievious, I'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying,
"Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry, no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody."
How bout that!?
[phone] ..........toot..........toot.........toot.......
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Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 14:49:55 GMT 5
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor, " she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after the fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull$hit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 15:02:55 GMT 5
Somemore lessons.... Lesson 6Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, "Listen," said the CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy." Moral of the story: Never assume that your boss knows everything. Lesson 7An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA, when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over he question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc...... " The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later, the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?" Moral of the story: Never insult anyone. Lesson 8There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "sh*t!!!!!!!........." Moral of the story: Think twice before you say something, because somethimes accidents do happen. Lesson 9The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up: Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions. Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain. Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain. Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go. Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going. Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste. All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever. Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief. Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly. Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable. Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred. Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body. Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge. Moral of the story: No matter who you are, or how important you think you are, you will find that it is always the asshole that is in charge.
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Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 15:05:55 GMT 5
Subject: English as she is butchered....
Ah Lian's 1st Day At Work At Beauty Salon. The phone rings. Ah Lian quickly picks it up.
Ah Lian : Morning. Tua Pooi Soh Peauty Saloon here. You are now talking to Ah Lian.
Customer : Good morning Ah Lian. I want to fix appointment to clean my face. Is your Tua Pooi Soh in?
Ah Lian : Tau Keh Soh is going out 1 hour ago. Who on the line?
Customer : I am Auntie Mary. Your Tua Pooi Soh's customer. Ah Lian : Oh Auntie Mely. I can help you to fix appointment. Tomolo Tau Keh Soh appointment full house. Tomolo's tomolo she got free. When you like to come?
Customer : I think some time next week. Can I confirm the date & time with you later?
Ah Lian : Sure sure. You can call me or fact your late & timing. Our fact lumber: jeelo two - two egg one sick for two fai sick. If you want, can rock on to our wet side to see our later awertaismen & plomosen. Our wet side : tapiu tapiu tapiu lot tpspeautysaloon lot kom lot mai. Anymore thing you want to talk? If no more I hang the phone.
Customer : Ah......no. You've been most helpful. Thanks.
Ah Lian : OK, when you free please come & sit. Pai.
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Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 15:15:39 GMT 5
Want to know why you are working so hard?On the very first day of the world, God created the cow. He said to the cow: "Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you! Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will provide the energy to pull things! You will also provide milk for people to drink! You are to work all day under the sun! In return, you will only eat grass. For that, you will have a life span of 50 years." Ah Gu objected. "What.. I work all day in the sun and I get only to eat grass! On top of that, I have to give my milk away! This is tough and you want me to live 50 years! I'll take 20 and you can have the remaining 30 years back!" God agreed. On the next day, God created the dog. He said to the dog: "Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose. You are to sit all day by the door of your master's house! Should anyone come in, you are to bark at them! In return, you will eat your master's leftovers. I'll give you a life span of 20 years." Ah Kow objected. "What! I have to sit by the door all day and will need to bark at people, and what do I get...LEFTOVERS... This isn't right, I'll take 10 and you can have the remaining 10 years back!" God agreed again. On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey: "Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people. You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces! You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to amaze them. In return, you will get to eat bananas and peanuts. For that, I'll give you 20 years to live." Naturally the monkey objected. "This is ridiculous, I gotta make faces and make people laugh. Let's not even come to the part about the trees and somersaults. Tell you what, I'll give 10 years of my life to thank you for my existence and I'll take 10. What do you think?" God agreed again. On the forth day, God created humans. God said to the man: "You are my best piece of work, for that, you will only need to sleep, eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep again and do nothing else.You will get to eat all the best things and play with the best toys. All you need to do is enjoy all your life. For this kinda of life, I'll give you 20 years." Just like the rest, the man objected. "What, all I need to do is relax and enjoy myself and I have only 20 years to live? Tell you what, you've 30 years back from Ah Gu, 10 years from Ah Kow and another 10 from Lao Kao and you probably don't know what to do with all those lifes. Why not I take them all and I'll have 70 years to live?" God being such good natured, agreed with a smile..... AND THAT IS WHY..... We eat, sleep, play and enjoy for the first 20 years of our lives when we are growing up. Work like a cow for the next 30 to raise our family. Sit outside the door and bark at people for the next 10 when we are retired. And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren for the final 10 years. GET IT? ?
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Post by Baka Neko on Jun 30, 2008 15:20:24 GMT 5
Dont get offended. ;D
Ways to turn down unwanted men
HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life? SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty? SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living? SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple. SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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Post by luddhite on Jun 30, 2008 17:44:07 GMT 5
Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
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Post by luddhite on Jun 30, 2008 17:53:35 GMT 5
Women
Workplace Hazardous materials Information System Substance: Women Chemical system: Wow Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES 1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm 2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced. 3. Boils at nothing. 4. Freezes without reason. 5. Melts with special reason. 6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly. 7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore. 8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points. 9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age. 10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES 1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances. 3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood. 4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
COMMON USES 1. Highly ornamental. 2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION 1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state. 2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.
HAZZARDS 1. May explode spontaneously without cause. 2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time. 3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards
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Post by luddhite on Jun 30, 2008 17:56:05 GMT 5
Seminar for Women
(Prepared and presented by Males)
1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed
10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water
11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament
12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")
13. How to earn your own money
14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")
15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side
16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry
17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station
18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels
19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy
20. His best friend can be yours too
21. His poker games: Deal yourself out
22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")
23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"
24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house
25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?
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Post by luddhite on Jun 30, 2008 17:57:14 GMT 5
10 reasons why god created women
10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"
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Post by luddhite on Jun 30, 2008 17:58:48 GMT 5
A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"
She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."
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Post by luddhite on Jun 30, 2008 18:01:02 GMT 5
What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They leave their toys everywhere. 8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss! 9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you. CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
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Post by x3sinner on Jul 5, 2008 9:29:14 GMT 5
why do woman talk so much?
because they have 2 pairs of lips
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